I always joked with my friends about going in to see one of the peep shows we see advertised on St. Marks Place. This weekend, I went with Rebecca.  We shopped a bit, then wandered in to the back of the smoke shop/sex store. We made fun of some of the stupid toys, and then walked back to the last booth in the row.

They were definitely desinged with one person in mind. She sat down, and I squeezed in. I looked arouhd, taking in what little there was to see, and I laughed when I saw the glory hole in the wall. I’ve heard lots about them, but I’ve never actually seen one in person. My only thought was that it was a bit low to stick your dick through. You’d have to sort of squat down and lean against the wall, but hey, for an anonymous blow job, I guess you do what you gotta do.

We put a dollar in the machine, and watched a couple of really bad porno clips. When they ended, we talked.

Rebecca was telling me about how she comes down here and goes to the peep shows when she’s feeling lonely. She doesn’t make use of the glory holes or anything. She just goes and watches the movies. At the time, I thought that was a little weird, but now, its beginning to make sense to me.  When you’re depressed, there is often a feeling of lacking connection with other people.  I know there was a point in my life where I had a lot of one night stands to try and help that feeling, masturbating not because I was horny, but because I wanted to feel, and I can see the appeal of watching other people have sex.

Right now, I’m feeling that profound lack of connection with others. It didn’t hit me as depression until tonight. I think it might be the hormones.

This has been a bad year for me in terms of lovers. One disconnection, two busy, one found someone else, and one dropped out of my life with out even saying goodbye. The torch I’d been carrying for Annabel was thoroughly stomped out.

I’ve been having trouble making new connections for some reason. I’ve met a few boys I’ve fancied quite a bit, but I just can’t get a read on them, and I don’t know what way things are going, if at all.

I’ve been complaining about being horny, and I am, but what I’m really wanting is the touching, the body feelings, the affection. The last time I was with anyone, it was when Michael came over, and I started crying afterwards. He wound up spending the night and I spent most of the night wrapped up in his arms. I realised how much I missed that, and him. Not him per se. I don’t want to date him again. We did that, it didn’t work we’re friends, and we have sex. Is good. But I miss the affection. I miss having sex, and I really miss having sex with people who care about me as more than just a body, or a means to an end.

*sigh* I’m going to go drink wine and eat brownies now. Getting drunk and passing out won’t help, but the subsequent hangover and be quite bracing. Hopefully this is just a hormonal mood.