I’ve been working on several posts lately about the evolution of my various kinks. Its something I find thinking about more and more lately, particularly my slow switch from submissive to switch to top.

Now, I’ve always known I was kinky, even before I knew there were terms for it. I vividly remember tying my high school boyfriend up with silk scarves. It was HOT! I knew I liked tying boys up.

But then, when I started reading and researching things more, I became rather drawn to the submissive side of things, and began thinking of myself. However, I think this was due to a combination of things.

1) Some of the hottest stuff I was reading and watching focused on the submissive – this was true in porn, erotica and fan fiction, het, bi or gay.

2) I think I was nervous about taking up the dominant role in things, for a variety of reasons. I was afraid to hurt someone (in a bad way), I was nervous and shy about being the one in charge, I didn’t know what to do.

3) I had no role models. I know that seems silly, but the power of a role model is underestimated. I hadn’t yet seen anyone who was like me! The female tops I saw in porn and read about were rather ludicrous to me. It didn’t seem like there was a place for me.

4) I was reading and watching all this hot sexy stuff that was getting me hot and bothered and the ‘omg, I want to DO this!’ wires got crossed with the ‘omg, I want someone to do this to me!’ wires.

Anyway, I fell into what I thought was the submissive role. At least, I tried to, but it never really worked out all that well. I either wound up with men who were more submissive, I totally topped from the bottom (right up to and including “damnit, you’re so not hitting me right, give me that!”), or I wasn’t enjoying things as much as I thought I ought to. I was feeling more aggressive, and more switchy.

Thats where my journey chronicled through my blog starts. I was a switchy bottom, trying anything that came across my plate, all the while meeting new people from all different walks of life, both in person and on the internets. I topped, I bottomed, I did lots of stuff! I still do lots of stuff.

However, more and more lately I’ve realized I don’t like bottoming at all. I’m not even sure how I feel about the bottoming I did in the past. In most of the situations, I was still the one driving – like most of my relationship with Franklin, and when Sebastian would get aggressive. With other people, bottoming was more cathartic and physical than sexual. And while it was enjoyable to a point, it never felt right.

I don’t mean to take away from my previous experiences, because they were all very lovely, and if I *really* disliked them,  I wouldn’t have done them. They were just…different. Much different from what I like now.

But then I took a boy home and beat him up and told him what to do, and it was *amazing*. It felt right, and it turned me on like nobodies business.

And more and more, thats what I want. I want to be the one in charge. I want to be the one directing the action. I want the one to do ouchie things to others. I want men on the floor, at my feet, while I sit on the couch.

I want lots of things. I think I’ll make a pot of things I want. Its actually been difficult, to accept that what I want is ok, and that I can have it, and most of all, that I deserve, and am worthy of it. That the hardest part, for me.

So yeah. Lots of with the wanting. Another post.

But there are plenty of things I don’t want.

I don’t want to be hit. I find, more and more that being hit is something that I Do.Not.Want. A good chunk of the time, I don’t even like to joke around with my friends like that, with exceptions of course. A couple of ya’ll can get away with it and I’m fine. But most of the time, it makes me uncomfortable.

While I do sometimes bottom for specific things, like needle,  and will continue to do so now and then, for me, it something that only works superficially. I don’t want to submit. I don’t like to submit. Submission makes me uncomfortable in many ways.

I don’t actually like most pain. Pain is a means to an end. The needles get me to a woowoo place. Some, pain, like biting, I find very erotic. But these are most definitely the exception, not the rule.

Now, these aren’t really ‘new’ revelations. I haven’t bottomed within a scene that wasn’t a demo or an experiment (like demoing to Sarah Sloane and her needles, or playing with fire at camp). In fact, I haven’t particularly wanted to, nor do I miss it. I feel more comfortable now.

So yeah.  Evolution or what?