In the past few months, I’ve had more than a few conversations about poly/mono/etc relationships, verging from ‘Well, you do poly so well and I don’t know how you do it (directed at me)’ to ‘OMGWTF Me? Are you kidding, I’m totally insane’ (five seconds after the previous comment)

Its something I’ve been thinking about more and more lately, for a variety of reasons.  For whatever reason, I’m surrounded by people who are awesome, poly, do it well, and are an inspiration to me.  On one hand, this is good. I’ve learned some shit.

It has helped me learn to communicate better. I’ve found both kink, and poly/juggling a variety of partners/slutting around/whatever you want to call the thing I’ve been doing for the past two years has really helped me learn to verbalize to people I’m involved with what I need, what I want, and how I think I could get to that place.  I’m not perfect at it, not by far, but I’ve improved leaps and bounds from where I was two years ago.

I’ve learned that its OK to want things, or to want things to be a certain way, and that there is nothing wrong with asking for that.

I’ve also learned that its ok to communicate my wants and needs that was as well, along with accepting that its ok for me to HAVE wants and needs, and that my feelings, thoughts and what not are valid. (I’ve got a fairly fucked up dating history. I know I should have figured all this out well before now, but I’m on a learning curve)

I’ve also learned that its also perfectly valid for others to have these same things, that I need to respect them, and that’s all good.

And that weird awkward conversations aren’t always weird, awkward, or nearly as bad as they are in my mind.

On the other hand, being involved in my life, and knowing the people I do, has forced me to begin introspecting, and thinking about what I want.  All my life, I had made the assumption that I’d be all paired off and happy and monogamous. And often, from both the poly and mono camps, its assumed that you can be one, or the other. There is also, *sometimes* the subtle implication that one way is the best way. (Thankfully, I hang with people who are cooler than that.)

From what I gather about myself, I’m sort of…in the middle. I tend to focus romantically, and emotionally, on one person. That’s always how I’ve been built. The only time that ever wavered was when I was dating Franklin, yet still wanted to madly fuck Daniel.

However sexually, and with kink, it takes a little more. I understand that one person can’t always be all of what you want.  For example, while things with Franklin were great, he was probably not going to suck mad cock for my entertainment, and I like that sort of thing in a man.

However, the whole idea of being in a polyamorous relationship, wherein I and my partner date others is difficult for me.  See, I’m just a little bit (read, fairly) insecure. I often feel threatened, especially by other girls.  I have a fairly contentious relationship with other women when it comes to the men in my life, and I think a large chunk of it stems from having been cheated on so often.  Most of my past relationships have ended with cheating (the majority, actually) so its understandable that I have issues with emotional fidelity. I’m sure another chunk of it is very Freudian and stems from competition with my psychotic mother over my father’s attention, but I’m no shrink, so I’ll leave that along. I don’t want to touch my Electra complex with a ten foot pool, at least not right now.

Sometimes, very selfishly, I think I’d like it if I could do what I like, while my partner is MINE.  I know in reality it wouldn’t work, and I wouldn’t *want* to do that to another person. Nothing is worse than stifling, and in real life, I know I’m not that selfish. But deep down inside, I sometimes think that’s nice.  I think, as long as I own that shit, acknowledge it, and then tuck it away, I should be fine. I  mean, if someone tried to stifle ME like that, I’d be furious.

I think, ideally, in a perfect world, once I got settled and secure in my own mind with someone, and more importantly, with myself, things could be worked out fairly well. I mean, plenty of people have crazier shit going on in their heads than I do, and they seem to get along fine. And after sitting back and thinking, I think what would work best for me, and what sort of relationship I’d naturally fall into, is one that I’ve been thinking of as monogamy with exceptions. Because I don’t really want to juggle two boyfriends (at least not independently of each other. I always thought it would be lovely to be in a MMF triad where we were all warm and fuzzy for each other) along with all the other things I try to juggle in my life. But I do like to have a partner to go out and play with. I think I’d really enjoy playing as a couple, with another couple, particularly those with similar interests. I know I already like playing *with* other couples, and I have had some fun dates that ended back at another couples place. It would just be nice if I had something more than random sex with the boy I brought along.

And ah, the kink. I keep meeting awesome boys who I adore that just don’t like getting beat up…and I *like* doing that. Not all the time, but I do enjoy it. It would be nice to be able to do that, and come home to my Mr. And of course, reciprocity; considering I have a yen for bisexual boys, I know I wouldn’t want to deny them dick. Hell, had Daniel and I dated longer, I’d have been dragging extra dick into the relationship myself!

Anyway, I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. I’m not even sure why all this has been bubbling around in my head the past few months. Maybe I’m just getting bored slutting around alone. Who knows. But like I said, its been kicking around up there for a while, and I figured I’d try to put it down in words.

But seriously? Does any of this make any sense once its out of my brain? I’d love input from other people. Ya’ll are smart and have things to say, and I like to hear them.